


Dopamine

by asimaiyat



Category: The Flash (TV 2014)
Genre: Alcohol, Flashbacks, Magic Wand, Masturbation, Other, Sex Toys, Therapy, also "self-care", imagined Caitlin Snow/Oliver Queen, mentioned canon character death, past Caitlin Snow/Jay Garrick, past Caitlin Snow/Ronnie Raymond - Freeform, past abusive relationship, past trauma, self-care
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-18
Updated: 2016-07-18
Packaged: 2018-07-24 20:25:53
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,349
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7521940
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/asimaiyat/pseuds/asimaiyat
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After losing Ronnie and surviving Jay, Caitlyn is in therapy to start to get her old self back. She starts to look for excitement and pleasure in her life, first in little ways and then in bigger ones.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Dopamine

The plain brown Amazon box sitting on the floor outside her apartment was much bigger than Caitlin had expected it to be. Even though it could easily have been a box of books or boring household staples — the sort of things people would probably expect a shy, awkward scientist to be buying online — she still felt a little self-conscious picking it up and taking it inside, looking up and down the empty hallway to make sure no one was watching her.

After locking her door, and dead-bolting it just in case, Caitlin slipped off her black pumps and strode through the apartment barefoot. With the unopened package placed on her kitchen counter, she removed a bottle of Chardonnay from the refrigerator and, after realizing that all the wine glasses she and Ronnie had owned were still in storage somewhere, poured a generous amount into her favorite coffee cup. She took a sip the way she’d learned to taste wine on a college trip to Paris, inhaling the scent and tensing her face in concentration before tasting, counting flavor notes: oak, citrus, something kind of metallic. Then, with the cup in one hand and the box under the other arm, she walked into her bedroom and stood in the doorway like she’d never seen the room before in her life.

_one month ago_

“I’m hearing that you’re very concerned with getting back what Jay took from you, and I do want to assure you that we’re making progress on that,” Dr. Simone said, looking up from her notes to meet Caitlin’s eyes. “But one thing trauma can do is distort our perception of what came before. And it seems to me like some of the things you’re struggling with were problems for you before Jay came into the picture, too.”

Caitlin sighed. She twisted the ring on her finger nervously, averting her eyes from the therapist’s. “You’re right,” she said unhappily. “What happened — what Jay did made things worse, but I was still just barely recovering from losing Ronnie.”

Therapy might have been more helpful if she could actually talk about everything that had happened to her, but unfortunately it wasn’t an option to explain to the doctor that she’d thought her fiance had died in the Particle Accelerator explosion, but he’d really just become an unstable metahuman, and just when she’d thought they were back together for good, he’d sacrificed himself in the Singularity to save the city, or that her most recent ex had turned out to be a demonic supervillain from another dimension who’d kidnapped her while he set out to kill all her friends and destroy the multiverse. Instead she had to settle for explaining that Ronnie had died in a tragic accident, and that Jay had become abusive and held her in his apartment until her friends were able to distract him and get her out. It was enough for her and Dr. Simone to start building a plan for recovery, at least.

“When I was with Ronnie… I had fun. I _was_ fun. I wasn’t afraid to try new things, or if I was, he helped me get used to the idea. I didn’t feel the need to keep everyone at a distance. I liked flirting and kissing… and sex. I miss…” She frowned and bit the corner of her lower lip. “I miss the person I was back then.”

“And you feel that you’re a different person now?” Dr. Simone asked. “Where do you think that person went? What happened to her?”

“I’d like to think she’s still in there, somewhere,” Caitlin said quietly, one hand softly touching her heart. 

“Then let’s work on making her feel ready to come back.”

_three weeks ago_

Caitlin was reading a newspaper on the train when her phone vibrated. A picture of Cisco had popped up on the screen.

_Hey Snow. Remember when Iris, Barry, Jesse and I all got tickets to see The Weeknd this Friday, and you said it didn’t sound like your kind of thing?_

She frowned. _Yes… why?_

_Because Jesse fucked off to another universe and I still have her ticket. Come on, it’ll be fun._

Caitlin watched the city pass by in the window of the train. She tapped the button to reply, ready to say no, she had work to do, she didn’t feel like being in the middle of a loud, excited crowd, and she wasn’t even really sure if the Weeknd was a singer or a rapper or what. Maybe a DJ? Did DJs even have concerts? But something made her pause and think, what if she did go? Worst case scenario, it would be a boring night, but honestly she was going to have a boring Friday night anyway. She took a deep breath.

_You know what? Sure. I’m in._

_two weeks ago_

This apartment building got great water pressure, and long, hot showers were one of Caitlin’s few guilty pleasures. Even in the first few days after getting free from Jay -- Hunter -- _Zoom_ , when she’d lose twenty minutes just standing in the shower crying, the solid glass walls and hot flowing water were a source of comfort. 

But today she was in a better mood. She’d gone for a run along the waterfront before heading to the lab in the morning, and stopped to watch a pair of blue herons fishing. And she’d had lunch with Iris at a new Cajun place that they’d both heard about, and over some combination of serious talk about world events and joking about the nuttiest things Barry and Cisco had done recently, she learned that she hated andouille sausage, liked crawfish and loved beignets. And in the elevator up to the cortex of the lab, she’d heard a sound in the walls, just a low rattling that she’d probably heard every day and never noticed until now, and suddenly she was back in that creepy bunker on Earth-2, never knowing when he’d appear, if she’d survive his next visit, and she almost sank down to the floor and sobbed. But she didn’t. She squared her shoulders, took a deep breath, and reminded herself that she was safe now, that she’d survived. And Zoom -- Hunter -- Jay was gone. When she stepped out of the elevator she looked perfectly normal. So today was a good day.

As the hot water poured down over her, she remembered to breathe and enjoy the moment, the silky, heavy feeling of her hair as she rinsed it clean, her muscles relaxing in the heat. Her hands moved down over her body and she laughed nervously when she realized that she was actually a little nervous. It was just her, after all. And sure she hadn’t done this in a long time -- _wow, a really long time_ \-- but it was just a normal body function, a way to release dopamine and endorphins and promote relaxation, nothing more than that. She sighed and did her best to relax as one hand slipped between her legs, her index and middle fingers quickly locating her clitoris and circling it with light pressure. _There you go_. She bit her lower lip, trying to think of something sexy, just to get things going a little bit. Maybe that guy who played Thor in the movies, with the incredible abs and the slightly goofy smile, she liked him. Her fingers pressed a little more firmly, sending a little spark of pleasure up inside of her. Wait, he was one of those Chrises, right? But which one? She wanted to say Chris Pine… or was he the Star Trek one? Caitlin huffed out a breath and relaxed her hand. So much for the moment.

Maybe thinking about someone she actually knew would work better. Not someone she worked with, that would be weird, but someone just close enough to her that she wouldn’t forget his name. Like… Oliver Queen. Oh, yes, perfect, she thought as her head tilted back a little, the tip of her middle finger slipping a little lower to tease at her labia. Maybe she’d visit Star City to help the Arrow team somehow, and the two of them would end up alone in --

No, not the underground Arrow cave, or whatever they called it. That was a little too close to… a little too close for comfort. They’d be alone on a rooftop on a clear night, under the stars, and he’d turn to her and she’d push back his hood and he’d wrap those big, musclebound arms around her. His blue eyes would stare into hers before he kissed her hard, taking her breath away. Okay, yes, that was it. She felt herself getting slicker under her fingers, stroking up and down and rocking her hips a little into her own enthusiastic touch as the water poured down her back. Ooh, maybe they were kissing in the rain. She found a rhythm that seemed to work and stuck to it, thinking about those broad shoulders and thick arms as he held her, his hips pressing against hers as her eyes went wide. 

That… yes. That was good. Her fingers sped up as she thought about smooth abs and a strong jaw and a bright, unexpected smile… God… just like Ronnie’s smile. She’d never noticed before how much alike they looked. Ronnie had had such a nice face, with little crinkles around his eyes when he smiled that she’d always found so handsome… and was it weird to be thinking about him? She had so many good memories of being with him, kissing him, making love, but it -- this -- didn’t feel like the right way to remember someone who’d died a hero. Thinking about him coming out of the shower with a towel around his hips just felt... wrong. But she didn’t even mean to think about Ronnie, she’d meant to think about Oliver. Oliver Queen, billionaire playboy and secret vigilante, pushing her up against the wall and kissing her, except by now her hand was starting to cramp and her clit felt irritated, too sensitive to touch, like the brush of her fingers was too much and too little at the same time. She realized that she felt more frustrated and stressed out than she had when she turned on the shower, and sighed as she washed her hands and turned off the water.

_one week ago_

“Whoa, somebody’s switching browser windows quick. Do we have another speedster in the building?”

“Shut up, Cisco,” Caitlin said with smile and a roll of her eyes as Cisco and Barry came back into the lab after a round of speed tests. She pretended to be seriously studying an article about stress hormones in the Journal of Clinical Biochemistry, having minimized the window open to a blog of sex toy reviews.

It’s amazing, she thought, how you can go so long without something and not even miss it, and then once you’re trying to find it, it distracts you every ten minutes. She’d had maybe a handful of orgasms in the past _year_ , but since noticing how much trouble she was having achieving what should be a simple chemical release, she couldn’t get it off her mind. So, she was going to take a page from Cisco’s book and bring in the high technology. It seemed to her that the key was finding something with enough power to just drown out whatever weird thoughts her brain could come up with. 

That sounded pretty perfect, actually. Just… not thinking for a little while. And with the help of some surprisingly thorough bloggers, she could even find something that was made with nontoxic materials and produced by a woman-friendly company. So much the better.

_right now_

Standing in the doorway to her own bedroom, Caitlin took another slow, careful sip of the Chardonnay. And then she took a big gulp. Right. Nothing to be nervous about. It was just… herself.

She took off her blazer and draped it over the doorknob, and then reached behind her back to unzip her sheath dress and shimmy out of it before pulling off her tights and finally, thank god, unfastening her bra. Much better. She looked through her drawers, considering pulling on something silky or lacy, but that just seemed ridiculous. An old, oversized black S.T.A.R. Labs t-shirt was perfect. 

If she’d been kind of hoping that the box was mostly full of styrofoam peanuts, well, that hope wasn’t exactly realistic. The toy was actually that big. Caitlin’s eyes widened when she opened the box and saw it, before reminding herself that it wasn’t like it was supposed to go inside her. Which, good. It was just like a nice, long handle to hold onto while she just… massaged herself with the head. The rest of the space in the box was taken up by a slim paperback romance novel that she’d added to her order on impulse, hoping to avoid any failures of imagination. It was called _A Scandalous Engagement_ and apparently it was the story of a young noblewoman who finds herself drawn to a mysterious soldier returning from war. The reader reviews had been really good.

After plugging in the toy -- yes, it ran on house current -- she curled up in bed, several pillows arranged around her head, and sipped her wine as she started the book. It was actually pretty well-written, or maybe it had just been ages since she’d read something other than a medical journal. Before she knew it, she’d gotten to a good part, and noticed with a slight raise of her eyebrows that her free hand was wandering in the direction of her underpants. Right, that was the plan. She kept reading, picturing the brooding soldier’s dark eyes and the way he urgently clasped the heroine’s arm in one big, sinewy hand, pulling her close enough to feel the heat of his body on the cold, foggy English moor. 

She bit her lip as her fingers made first contact, slipping down between her lips to feel that she was already a little wet. As her fingertip ran over her clitoris a little shiver ran up her spine, just like how the book described the noblewoman feeling when she met the soldier’s heavy gaze. Like she could feel his stare penetrating her, shoving aside her defenses and laying her bare… okay, wow, she was ready. She set the book on the nightstand and picked up the vibrator, pushing down her underwear and kicking it aside. It took a second to figure out the right way to position herself and the long handle of the toy to keep one thumb firmly on the settings dial, which according to the website had a “dimmer” function to make the vibrations as gentle or as intense as she wanted. Okay… time to give this thingy a test drive.

Start with a low setting… yes, that could be nice, she thought as the toy whirred softly to life. With one finger, she touched the soft head of the thing, feeling it buzzing under her touch. Frowning in concentration, she spread her legs slightly and lowered the head carefully until it brushed against her vulva. Even the light touch made her jump a little bit. This was the low setting? Carefully, with deep, slow breaths, she ran the head up along her vulva to press against her clit. Her breath caught in her chest as the vibration ran through her, feeling suddenly warm all over.

Okay… that was interesting. Twisting her mouth in concentration, she found the dial again and turned the vibrations up a little. And then a little more, right up until the sensation made her hips tremble and rock off the mattress of their own volition. She gripped the wand tighter, pressing the head against herself even more firmly as her body reacted, back arching up off the mattress. 

Caitlin took a deep, shaky breath and let her eyes flutter closed. This was… wow. Of course she’d had sex before, really good sex, but this wasn’t quite like anything could remember feeling. She was so, so hot and soaking wet, squirming between the bed and the head of the wand, and she could feel just how close she was to coming, _finally_ , like she’d been waiting forever, like she was being pulled forward on a string towards an inevitable climax. And then she moved the wand slightly, tracing a tight little circle around her clitoris over and over until god, yes, it was like her whole nervous system was flooded with liquid pleasure. She never made noise when she touched herself, even when she was younger and relatively shameless, but now she heard a little whimper escaping from her bitten lips, breaking off into a helpless sigh.

Still shaking with shallow breaths, she turned off the vibrations, dropping her head and arms back on the bed like they were too heavy to lift. Yes, okay. Experiment successful. She was still aching with it, actually throbbing, which she hadn’t even thought was a thing outside of sex scenes in books. Her clit felt like a raw nerve, an exposed wire still looking for a charge. 

Caitlin squeezed her eyes shut and forced herself to take one long, deep breath, pushing past the shaky feeling in her chest. Then she turned the vibrator back on, turning the dial all the way up.

She cried out loud when it touched her again, a startled little yelp. It was too much, her hips were squirming away from the pressure now, but somehow it was exactly what she needed. There was no tease this time, no slow buildup to climax, just another wave crashing over her almost immediately, making her back arch and her face scrunch up like she’d stared into a blinding light. Something in her wanted to hold herself back, to hold back the coursing tide she could feel rising inside of her pelvis, but, heh, _resistance is futile_. She moaned with her whole throat as she felt herself soaking her skin, the head of the toy, the sheets underneath her, but she couldn’t care about any of that now. It was like one orgasm came on the heels of another, over and over, stroking that warm, vibrating head against herself more and more desperately, her hand clutching the wand for dear life. 

There was nothing else to think about, nothing else to feel. Her whole body was lit up with sensation, from her toes pointing and curling under the comforter at the foot of the bed, to her head arched back on the pillow, bangs stuck to her forehead with sweat, nostrils flaring with quick, eager breaths. It was too much, it didn’t make sense, but she couldn’t stop now, wasn’t quite done yet, just needed a little more of that heat, that spark driving right into her core, again, again, until she was shouting in a voice she didn’t recognize and her hips were twisting to pull away and it was way past enough, it was far too much but it was exactly what she’d needed.

Her whole body felt loose and heavy as she turned off the toy and set it down beside her. Her breath was still urgent and short, she was covered in a thin film of sweat that was quickly turning cold, making her t-shirt cling to her skin. The hand that had been holding the toy felt a little numb. And her face… it wasn’t just sweaty, she realized: she’d actually been weeping. Still was, just a little, a tear trickling down the side of her face as she lay there perfectly still. She reached up a tentative hand to wipe it away, and brush the hair off her face. It was okay, crying was okay, because it wasn’t like she could do anything to stop it right now. All she could do was lie there, staring at the ceiling and listening to her breath slowly evening out, her limbs weak and slack and a smile beginning to twitch at the corners of her lips.

**Author's Note:**

> I just really want to see Caitlin healing and having some fun after everything she's been through. The toy she's using is loosely based on the [Doxy massager](https://www.amazon.com/Doxy-Massager-Handle-Plugged-Personal/dp/B00PUN020K). Come hang out on tumblr at [reversetrash](http://reversetrash.tumblr.com/)!


End file.
